


Me and Myself

by Kyu_Momo



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecurity, Misunderstandings, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-06 00:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5395148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyu_Momo/pseuds/Kyu_Momo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt:</p><p>"Tony! If you could just be a little less like you we would all like you a lot more!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Me and Myself

**Author's Note:**

> Original Prompt: http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/20598.html?thread=50994550#t50994550
> 
> My first attempt at a fill.  
> EDIT: Thank you so much, guys! ;_;

It hadn’t been until a few weeks after their deaths, that the realization  finally hit Anthony Edward Stark.  It had happened so fast that the thought of it had left him all but trembling under his covers and gasping for breath.

They were gone for good now.  A faint remembrance of school arguments chose that time to blare shrilly through his head in endless loops, “Well at least you _have_ parents, you spoiled brat!”

His parents were gone.

Every media in the world reported what a wonderful life Tony Stark had. Endless money, comfort, and resources the likes of which no other child could even dream of; brilliant parents, loving, caring, and always there for him.

The funeral was chaotic. The reporters were obnoxious and never gave him a moment’s peace.

Years of practice, roughly honed by abuse, abandonment, and neglect had forged an unbreakable mask that Tony always effortlessly used for public occasions where feelings and truth were not allowed.

But at the funeral, Tony couldn’t keep the mask in place because it had shattered into a million pieces and no matter how many times he flinched away from the blows that he knew were coming.... they never came. His mother wasn’t slapping at him so she didn’t have to touch him... His father wasn’t telling him what a useless failure he was and then punching and kicking until Tony could only lay curled in a ball and spitting up blood...  They weren’t there to call him and tell him how _happy_ they were that they had sent him away from them to a private school.

 

No...

 

His parents were dead, but Anthony Edward Stark couldn’t even _pretend_ that he wasn’t _relieved_ about it in front of the masses.

His public speech had been anything but.  Tony said he would miss Jarvis... and then left the podium without another word. He gave Jarvis flowers, said his goodbyes, and left without shedding a tear.

 

The news exploded with the vultures shrieking at the top of their lungs on how ungrateful, and disgusting, and spoiled he was.

Tony had a future; he was a genius the likes of which the world had never seen until Howard was dead, and how dare he not care about the parents that had gotten him to where he was?

 

Oh no.  He only cared about their money and fame and to hell with his loving parents! The tabloids were filled with vitriol and Tony drank every drop.

The news was full of slander and Tony believed it.

 

His family was gone.

They were gone and they could _never hurt him again_.

 

Tony was supposed to be happy.

But the entire world said he wasn’t allowed to be, _wasn’t_ supposed to be happy.

 

His family was gone.

 

He cared, Tony cared more than he would ever be able to let on, even though emotion was a weakness and Howard had beat him to within an inch of his life whenever so much as a tear had rolled on by.

Tony flinched away every time, still waiting desperately for the other shoe to drop and then screaming awake when it didn’t.

 

He forced himself to care because he was _supposed to care_ when a family was gone...

And yet he never _had a family_. He had Jarvis.

Tony’s thoughts whirled in agonized circles.

 

The orphan at the private boarding school screamed at Tony for not being grateful for having parents, for having a family.

 

Tony would always be eternally grateful to Jarvis.

Jarvis cared about Tony and Tony cared about Jarvis, a kindness like that would stay with him forever.

 

That made Jarvis _family_ , didn’t it?

 

The media continued to hound him over every little thing.  Life continued on.

 

Then Afghanistan happened.

 

 

The pain became too much after that.

Tony did anything he could to escape it but it was never enough.

 

And then the other family, the one Tony had become to realize he had, turned out to be just another lie.

Stane had betrayed him. Obie was no more because Tony had killed him.

 

He finally said to Hell with what the world thought of him, but even still the pain swallowed Tony whole and _never let go._

 

* * *

 

 

“Heads up, Iron Man!”

It wasn’t quite a Monday morning if neither Captain America nor Hawkeye hadn’t flung themselves off a building.

Yes it was quite an adrenalin rush, and there would always be the small thrill of adrenaline and pride whenever Tony swooped down in the Iron Man suit and caught them as if it were as easy as breathing, which it was.  Hello?  Genius here!

“Oh honestly... Head first?  Really now?  Hate to break it to you, birdbrain, but the pavement would have won.”

“Nag, nag, nag,”  Clint retorted.  “On your 6, Cap!”

Hawkeye, of course, followed up the warning with a volley of newly-developed-arrows at the hostiles rushing Captain America’s back.

Clint whistled.

“I’m in love, definitely going to need more of these.”

Tony laughed, depositing Hawkeye on another rooftop before flying off to assist Black Widow with another angry swarm.

When all was said and done and the adrenalin wore off, Tony would never admit to them how much their trust in him terrified him, and how scared he was that one day he wouldn’t get there in time to save them.

Unfortunately the rest of the battle went downhill from there.

Whatever the giant insects were, they were getting larger, faster, and appearing in even greater numbers to the point that even the _Hulk_ was starting to get winded.

Black widow had taken a stinger to the upper part of her knee and was quickly forced to take cover and supply what little backup she could provide, much to her increasing irritation, if the hissed, blunt answers were anything to go by.

Hawkeye eventually had to take cover too, which he did the usual way by diving headfirst off the roof for the third time that day and letting Tony deposit him somewhere with sturdier support. Iron Man kept his voice lazy and unaffected, even when his insides were churning, as he bellowed out a quick warning to Cap at yet another oncoming swarm.

Hulk roared in increasing agitation and rage as he was pelted with stingers, poisonous insect remains, and mandible bites.

Eventually, SHIELD personnel located and destroyed the mad scientist and his bug-producing-lab and then it was just a matter of finishing off the remaining giant insects.

And of course, said remains were all much too close to Captain America’s location, so many that the super soldier was being overwhelmed and forced to vacate the premises, by jumping off the building.

Tony caught him at the last possible moment.

 

 

Back at the Tower, the Avengers were a mess, figuratively and literally. They had all received medical attention and were content to lay around the common floor in various states of stress and attempted relaxation. Tony had made a common floor with just that in mind. He also made them their own floors suited to their own personal taste, where the group had separated to wash up and change before hand.

The common floor had everything from a full-scale kitchen, to an entire massive entertainment area, to rooms filled with nothing but comfy chairs, couches, and loveseats. The Avengers had developed a routine of returning there after missions to regroup and relax after a battle.

Tony took longer than usual to arrive because he had spent most of his shower and the aftermath, shaking.

He could never bring himself to admit it to them, but the Avengers were the best thing that had ever happened to him.

Tony Stark, genius, billionaire, philanthropist, wasn’t _alone_ anymore.

Sure, he had had Pepper and Rhodey as friends, and he was still grateful to them, but they weren’t a 24/7 deal.  Tony was selfish yes,  but he wasn’t selfish enough to force them to stay with him for his every little whim just so he could feel like he wasn’t alone. He couldn’t do that to them. He respected Pepper and Rhodey more than that.

The Avengers however, were always with him now. At first he had offered them floors to stay just for the Avenging efforts, but it quickly became something more important than that to him...

Clint was a sarcastic jerkass and met Tony’s special brand of jerkass-snark with rising flourish. When they weren’t snarking at each other, they were covering each other’s backs.  They complained at movies and trash talked over video games.

Natasha Romanov was a terrifying example of smooth grace and deadly, no-nonsense efficiency. She had taken a floor simply for convenience’s sake, but that hadn’t stopped her from becoming someone that Tony had soon come to trust and consider a friend. Her actions spoke louder than words.

Thor was impossible not to like.  Boisterous, booming and filled with compassion.  That he could find such joy in something so simple as being a teammate... He always seemed genuinely happy to see Tony and Tony, quickly,  found himself reciprocating whole-heartedly.

Bruce Banner was always around to bounce around ideas at and create glorious scientific discoveries with.  The man was quiet, composed, and at constant odds with his other self. Tony accepted them both equally and wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.

At first, his relationship with Steve Rogers was rocky at best, and explosively negative at worst.  Howard had actually cared about Steve, so much in fact that Tony could easily note how true it was the moment he had first met the man. All the man had talked about was how Tony _wasn’t_ Howard and that had brought the unhealed scars surging to the forefront to the point where The Mask would crack.

It took some doing, but now Tony was a bit more comfortable around the living legend. Steve Rogers was a brilliant strategist, kind, loyal, genuine, and everything that Tony would never be. Tony liked to think that the man felt more comfortable around Tony as well, but Tony wasn’t going to hold his breath on that account. Rogers had become just as important to him as the others. Tony refused to admit it, even more to himself, but the man’s approval was everything to him.

 

And he had almost failed him.

He had almost gotten Captain America killed.

 

Yes, for all intents and purposes, Tony had an actual family now.

And it was the family Tony had always wished for.

 

He was selfish.  He wanted to keep them near him and never let them go.

It was his joy to give them everything he could because they deserved the best.

They were priceless.

 

Tony was still reeling.  He had almost lost a member of his family.

He knew just what he had to do.

 

* * *

 

 

Tony’s belated return to the common room was as it usually was. Loud, obnoxious, and entirely impossible to ignore.

“So!  I’ve been meaning to give this to you Cap, but it never seemed like the right time, and hey, it wasn’t because it hadn’t been perfected, okay I lied, it wasn’t perfected, but now it is, so there!”

“Tony... could you just,” Steve trailed off in a sigh. Of _course_ the billionaire wasn’t listening, too pleased with hearing himself talk.

“I wasn’t in the mood to haul it up here, so you’re stuck with a picture.  Jarvis if you would please?  Thank you.  Isn’t it pretty?”

The genius waggled his eyebrows at him and Steve refused to rise to the bait.  He was tired,  he was _hurting_ ,  and he was,really _, really_ , not in the mood for Tony’s antics right now.  Any other day, Clint would have snorted or egged the man on, but Clint was looking just as haggard as Steve was and instead the archer frowned darkly as the rambling continued.

“Use your imagination cap, it’ll be great.  I’m really kicking myself for not at least giving you a protype earlier than today. Even an imperfect thing from my brain is still perfect to the rest of the world, they just aren’t smart enough to know it...”

Steve was trying desperately to control his temper.  Stark didn’t come down here, just to gloat and brag at them did he? Natasha was starting to look murderous,  Dr. Banner was frowning, and even _Thor_ was beginning to look frustrated.

“So, I really should have given you one earlier.  It’s criminal really...  But anyway..  With this, you’ll definitely be at the top of your game.  Shield’s probably going to be begging me to implement this stuff into their regular armor, and I might do just that, if Fury asks nicely. But yeah, this _beautiful_ material, if I do say so myself, even has steps to keep extreme temperatures minimized, so hey you won’t be a capsickle again anytime soon—

He’d had enough of this!  "—Tony! If you could just be a little less like _you_ we would all like you a lot more!"

“Hear hear...”

“God, do you ever shut up, man?”

“Gloat and brag at us later, Jesus...”

“I concur.”

 

Tony’s mask didn’t shatter, but it was a close thing.

He reeled back like he had been slapped internally, but externally he put on airs, his body language all but screaming, _Fine.  I will deign to let you commoners off the hook, but only for now._

Tony wasn’t sure what he said to them, his body walked calmly from the room, but in his mind he was running for his life. 

Even... even Thor...

He was losing them...

Tony was going to lose them just for being... _Tony_.

Then again, it was just who he was, and what had always been a prevalent truth in his life: people wouldn’t stay close or even give him a second glance, unless he _made it worth_ their while.

The Avengers wouldn’t give him a second glance unless he was useful.

Iron Man, yes; Tony Stark, no.

He _was_ useful to them, so they’d stay... right?

But what if they left him alone because of who he was now instead of just his overall usefulness?

Never again.

He couldn’t even bear the thought of it.

He couldn’t let that happen...  Not again.

He couldn’t lose the only family he’d ever had...

Tony just had to be less like himself.

 

* * *

 

 

Steve was dreading this and judging by the looks of his teammates, they were too.  The wounds and exhaustion of yesterday’s battle were not going to heal overnight. Even Steve, with his serum-enhanced body was still not at 100%. Steve didn’t think he could handle another round of Stark’s noise.  All yesterday he’d been stuck with a hellish migraine, and yes, it was just a regular headache today,  but it was still pain that’d be easier to deal with if it was quiet.

 

He had the feeling that every Avenger there was dreading Tony’s reappearance.  And knowing Tony, He’d give them Hell for not having given him their undivided attention yesterday.

Bruce had made a feast for breakfast and while they all weren’t at their best, they still had healthy appetites.  It was sometime in the middle of that when Tony Stark entered the common room.

Steve knew he wasn’t the only one bracing for impact.

 

“Good morning, Tony.”  Bruce greeted.

Steve didn’t need to be looking to hear the tension in Dr. Banner’s voice.

“Morning, Bruce.” Tony lightly replied on his way to the coffee machine.

 

And then...  _quiet._

No obnoxious tapping, no grabbing Bruce and hauling him off to the man’s own lab despite his protests, no lecturing, heck, Tony wasn’t even fidgeting with his normal untapped energy.

Seconds turned into minutes and the only sound that came, eventually, was from the coffee machine.

Tony took up his finished coffee and left as quietly as he had entered.

 

Several hours later, Tony knocked on Bruce’s lab door. He didn’t barge in.  He waited patiently for Bruce to open the door, and when he had, Tony asked solemnly if Bruce had some spare time for him.

Bruce told him he was busy.

Tony nodded, smiling, and offering assurances that that was totally fine and he’d come back a few hours later.

He never did.

 

Dinner was just as silent an affair.  Tony ate quietly.

“You okay, Stark?” Clint finally asked what the others were thinking, eyebrow raised.

“I’m fine, Clint.” Steve found himself straining to hear the man’s answer. “Thanks for asking.”

He kept out of their personal space.  He didn’t touch them, didn’t try to poke Bruce, didn’t clap Clint on the back, didn’t lean over Steve to get to a plate of food on the table and then smirk at him when Steve protested, no, he kept his hands to himself.

 

True to his word, Tony upgraded the rest of the team’s Armor with the new, more protective, material.  Natasha, for one, was incredibly impressed. The added protection was a godsend and eventually came to wonder if she’d ever be able to go back to the standard Shield uniforms, if it ever became necessary.

He didn’t go out of his way to make them understand how impressive his new inventions were. And they kept right on appearing for them to use.  Several new innovative types of arrows for Clint, Incredibly sharp and precise knives for Natasha, the list went on and on.

 

Steve didn’t have to remind them to keep the ‘Chatter’ at a minimum much anymore and when he did it was usually directed at Clint.  Tony stayed silent no matter what Clint tried, only responding if directly asked a question.

He didn’t tease them, he talked only when spoken to, and otherwise kept himself quiet, respectful, and out of sight.

 

How many times had Steve wished that Tony would just stop talking? How many times had they all wished he’d be polite, obedient, and respectful?

And yet now that he was being that and even more, why was it so _jarring_? So uncomfortable to be around?

They didn’t like it.

Steve _didn’t_ like it.

Tony Stark was supposed to be full of energy and wit.  He was supposed to be flamboyant and unpredictable and wild!

 

Coincidentally enough,  it was after another grueling battle in which the Avengers finally confronted Tony about it.

 

“Why are you acting like this?” Clint had demanded. “What’s wrong with you?”

“What?  I don’t understand, Clint.”

“See?  That right there!”

“You never come to the lab anymore, Tony. You do own it you know, you don’t have to ask me to enter...”

“It _is_ your lab, Bruce. It would be rude to enter without your permission.”

“Stop that!  This is not fucking funny anymore!”

“I don’t understand.”

“Why are you so quiet now, Tony?  This is your house... You can act the way you want to.  You don’t have to pretend.”

 

_Tony could hear it when it started breaking.  Piece by piece._

“I don’t understand.”

“Friend Tony, please do not lie to us.”

“Is this some kind of revenge?”

 

_He’d never thought he’d hear their voices again. He thought he’d gotten away from them._

 

“I liked it when you were more proactive. Though I know that’s not saying much.”  Natasha had a hint of a smile on her lips, but her eyes were not smiling.

 

None of them were smiling.

 

_Tony was wrong.  He’d never escaped them to begin with. His parent were always going to be there, just out of reach, reminding him why he could never be loved._

 

Just like the entirety of Tony’s life...  He tried so hard to the point of breaking himself... but in the end, he was losing it all anyway.

 

“You’re doing it again!  Stop it.”

 

_It was only in times like these... when their voices roared and Tony could hear nothing else, not even his own breathing—_

“Will you just act like you used to already?”

 

_—when Tony wondered why he still even bothered to try at all._

 

“Shut up!” Tony screamed.  The room became deathly silent and still.  

His mask shattered... so much so that he could barely get the rest of the words out without trembling through it.

 

“Were you lying  to me when you said you’d like me more if I was less like myself?”

 

Steve flinched.

 

“Well...I wasn’t myself this week. _I wasn’t me._   I chose to be someone else for you guys and it still didn’t make a difference!” Tony was back to shouting.  “And now you want me to be _myself_ again?  What the fuck does that even mean!   Looks like my parents were right all along.  People will always hate me no matter what I do.”

 

 

Tony could feel it when it snapped and drained away. Ah well, who needed _sanity_ , anyway?

The pain was too much to bear and it swallowed him whole once again.

 

Finally, Tony let out a defeated sigh and whispered, “I was wrong.  This isn’t a family.” Tony chuckled weakly, brokenly. “ I don’t even know the meaning of the word.”

 

Only Silence greeted him when walked out.

 

* * *

 

 

Jarvis’ was the only voice Tony eventually heard after that. His parent’s voices never quite stopped but Tony had a lifetime’s worth of practice in shoving them to the back while he worked on more important things.  Tony refused to leave his lab and ordered Jarvis to block entry to anyone who tried to enter.

He refused to sleep.  He refused to eat.

Enough. Enough already!

Tony knew that if he tried to sleep he’d only wake up screaming.

He knew that if he tried to eat, it would just come right back up with a vengeance.

 

He wished he could lie and tell himself that it didn’t hurt that he was losing a family again but then he reminded himself that he had never had one to begin with.

They were probably gone already, but Tony couldn’t bring himself to ask Jarvis whether they had left or not.

Tony hadn’t felt this humiliated in a long, long time. 

 

He was pathetic, clinging to grown men and women and expecting them to care about him. He had no right.

They weren’t related by blood.

They were all strangers that he had clung to and they had humored him longer than most strangers do, that’s all.

The relationship was professional and nothing more.  That’s all it had ever been and they barely tolerated him enough as it was  because, and only because, he was still being useful. 

 

He had been through worse than this and lived to brag about it...

He _could_ get through this.

 

\---

 

“Stark, how long has it been since you last ate?”

Tony startled so violently that his poor pile of screws, bolts, and tools went crashing to the floor and clattered every which way  with a few of the more circular objects  going the extra mile of spite by rolling under a car for good measure.

 “Jesus!”

Dummy chittered at him accusingly, as if the new mess was _his_ fault, before whirring off dutifully to retrieve the objects one by one and as slowly as possible.

After a few more colorful expletives, and a minute or so of yelling at Jarvis for being the Traitor -capital T- that he was, Tony whirled on his intruder.

Natasha was holding a plateful of sandwiches which had been artfully arranged around a steaming cup of coffee.

“Our original plan was to overwhelm you with sheer numbers,  but Pepper advised us against it.”

“Wh... Why... who do you... what the f-“  Perhaps on another day Natasha might have been amused at seeing this rare event of a Stark at a loss for words, but this was a mission of the utmost importance.

“Will you come quietly? I am authorized to use force if necessary.”

 

Tony sputtered a bit more before finally getting a hold of himself and glaring suspiciously at her.  “What are you up to?”  The Black Widow had a brilliant poker face and Natasha was able to keep herself from reacting to the bite of _hurt,_ betrayal, and fear in his voice, but only just...

 

“Well?  Your coffee is getting cold.”

“I...  You know what?  Fine. Let’s go.” Tony sighed. 

“Jarvis?” Natasha inquired.

“Already done.”

“Traitor,” Tony grumbled.

“You’re most welcome, Sir.”

Once they had arrived at the common floor, Natasha put the plate at the table and gestured for him to sit.

Tony belatedly noticed the other cups of coffee arranged on the table, one of which had a bright pink bow wrapped around the handle. Tony glanced questioningly at Natasha who just shrugged in response and gestured more pointedly for him to sit. Against his better judgment, Tony did.

It was only after he had, cautiously, finished a sandwich and was in the middle of his second cup of coffee, when the rest of them appeared. Tony managed to avoid choking on his drink, but it was a close call.

“That actually worked...  I’m surprised,”  Clint said.

Before Tony could even think to protest, Steve cut in, “Just eat your food, okay? Drink the rest of your coffee.  We’ll try to keep this brief.” It was the genuine guilt and kicked-puppy look in Steve’s eyes that kept Tony from moving.

“Friend Tony, we would take this time to offer our most sincere apologies for our actions. We have wronged you and caused you _much_ distress, and for this we apologize.”

Tony actually choked on the coffee this time and Natasha was quick to move forward and pat his back. When he had recovered all he could do was gape and stare at them incredulously.

“We were wrong, Tony.  _I_ was wrong,”  Natasha said.

“We had no idea, but that’s no excuse. We should have tried harder to understand.”

“You’re fine the way you are, Tony.  We were just stressed out, and we took it out on you.  We... I’m _so_ sorry, Tony.”  Steve bowed his head a bit but kept eye contact.

“Look, I’m sorry man. It may not seem like it, but I am grateful for what you’ve done. You gave me a place to belong, okay? We’re not here just because of your money, which sure, is nice, but it’s just not the same if there’s no one here to snark at.”

“I know it’s going to take a long time to make it up to you, but.. can you give us another chance?”

Another round of apologies and Tony, damn it all, was trying his hardest not to cry. When he finally managed to find his voice, it was a surprised that it didn’t crack, “Not that I’m not pleasantly surprised... but.. Where... did this all come from?”

 

“We just spent the last hour on speaker phone getting yelled at by Pepper.”

More apologies followed.

“Damn it, you guys...”

 

“Will you give us another chance?”

“That’s my line.” Tony huffed. “Look, I... I’m not the most likeable person okay, so I’m not surprised...  You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.  It’s cool.  It’s _fine_ , I just...  I mean..  I was lucky to have you guys for as long as I did and-“

Tony was cut off abruptly when Thor, Clint, and Steve all pulling him into a hug.

 

When Pepper finally arrived, it was to a sprawling mess of takeout leftovers and sleeping Avengers.

She couldn’t help but roll her eyes affectionately. “I take it everything went well?”

“Exceedingly so.”

“Thank you, Jarvis.”

“It was my pleasure, Miss Potts. Sir is most happy to have a family again.”

 

After a few minutes of finding enough blankets and then covering them all, Pepper huffed a laugh and then headed off to bed herself.

 

 

 

 


End file.
